CHERISH IS THE WORD

Song of Solomon 1:1-4:16; 2 Corinthians 8:16-24; Psalm 50:1-23; Proverbs 22:22-23

“You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace. Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices. Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue.”

 “As for our brothers, they are representatives of the churches and an honor to Christ. Therefore show these men the proof of your love and the reason for our pride in you, so that the churches can see it.”

“He summons the heavens above, and the earth, that he may judge his people: ‘Gather to me my consecrated ones, who made a covenant with me by sacrifice.’”

Call me an old softie, but I love Song of Solomon, even as arcane as it is. While it has many lessons to teach those who would truly study its words, its first and most obvious message may be simply that we need to change our vocabulary. Especially when dealing with the overused word “love,” it’s just possible we can do better, at least from time to time.

It would be easy to go off on a tangent about how misused the word “love” has become (second, possibly, only to “awesome”). We could talk about how confusing the different types of love are, or how easily one can be mistaken for another and end up embarrassing everyone involved. What’s the point, though? There is not a soul alive who does not have first hand knowledge of the emotional and spiritual damage the flippant, thoughtless or calculating use of “love” can cause. I know of one couple where he said he loved her for the first time, then repeated it frequently the next several weeks while he waited for her to agree, only to exit the relationship almost as soon as she did. Whether he was manipulative, confused or just plain stupid didn’t and doesn’t matter. He left behind a broken heart and a wounded soul, and my personal bias is that we go too easy on people – including myself - who don’t really think before they speak. On the other hand, I know men who will not use the word “love” until they are sure, which can sometimes be a very long time to wait. I would encourage the impatient ones to consider that they are trading (hopefully, at least, if the guy’s really being considerate and not just cold footed) a somewhat prolonged initial period of uncertainty for what is much more likely to be a lifetime warranty when the word is finally spoken. In other words, it’s worth the delay, if you both are sure that what you are waiting for is a certainty of the heart and an unconditional commitment of the mind that binds the very soul.

After all, “love” is as much a decision as an emotion. Actually, it is misunderstanding that love is most of all a decision, an absolute and exclusive dedication, which usually leaves us on different pages. And really, that goes for pretty much any kind of love worth having. It is entirely possible to will oneself out of love. That tells us all we need to know about our need to will ourselves into it. Scripturally speaking, the decision to love is an absolute requirement for the exercise of love. “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Love - true and completely unconditional love – sometimes goes all the way to the Cross, but it takes a lot more than emotion to get it there. It takes an in-the-trenches dedication to build up another, no matter the cost to oneself.

I’ve told the story of my wife’s Dad’s death and the problems probate caused for us, but I think I did not complete it. As the conflict was winding down, I distinctly remember really studying my frazzled and beaten down spouse for probably the first time in months. I forced myself to see her as she really was and to contemplate the damage my impatience and lack of thoughtfulness had done to her soul. God spoke in that moment, clearly, asking (in a voice gentler than I deserved) if I was proud of my handiwork. I still can feel the shame of that moment. But I also recall something else: a promise, barely thought, suddenly blooming until it literally exploded in my heart. “Never again. Never. I will not intentionally harm this woman ever again. Instead, I will do something with my love. I will manifest it, and make it real, by actively cherishing her.” That was the beginning of a brand new relationship. Our marriage had always been good, but it’s our mutual lifeblood now. We were close before; today, we are truly joined as one. We still have individual goals, purposes and missions, but all are celebrated, shared and thought about by both of us. A no for one is a veto for both. A yes for one is a promise for both. She now knows what she always hoped: aside from Christ, she is my first and only and forever. I don’t talk about “love” as much anymore, either. I “cherish” or “adore.” And the semantics matter. I have a treasure to keep and protect. Changing my language a touch helps me keep my eye on the ball. It also provides a ton of clarity, even when I don’t want it. When I get frustrated or put out (yes, it still happens, but not often), before I blow, the Spirit just asks how the cherish thing is going. Ugh. Even if it costs me a capillary or two, I swallow the anger and wait to deal with the issue until we are both rational again.

Words alone will never make a relationship. But if they are used correctly, and intentionally, and followed by consistent action, they can darn sure save a relationship. Let’s use them carefully. More important, let’s be sure we mean what we say when we talk about love.