THE BETTER PART OF VALOUR

2 Samuel 20:14-21:22; Acts 1:1-26; Psalm 121:1-8; Proverbs 16:18

“When David and his men were in the thick of battle, David became weak and exhausted. … But Abishai son of Zeruiah came to David’s rescue and killed the Philistine. Then David’s men declared, ‘You are not going out to battle with us again! Why risk snuffing out the light of Israel?’”

“’Do not leave Jerusalem until the Father sends you the gift he promised, as I told you before. John baptized with water, but in just a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.”

“I look up to the mountains—does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber.”

“Pride goes before destruction,
and haughtiness before a fall.”

I’m tired. I admit it. Not yet at the end of my rope, I nevertheless see the rope has an end, and I am fast approaching it. Yet, I continue my headlong dash toward exhaustion, unable, it seems – or unwilling, more honestly - to say no mas to much of anything. The good news is that, even as I write this, I am finally forced to disengage a bit, flying to Orlando for a long weekend with my folks. The Blackberry won’t be off (C’mon, Lord, I can’t just go cold turkey!), but it will be separated from my belt. I’ll still do this – this was a one year covenant with the Spirit which has already borne enough fruit that I cannot bring myself to deliberately miss even one day. And I’ll probably still think more than I should about what I’ve left behind and what will be waiting for me on my return. But I’m determined to be less entrenched. Each time I see my folks, there’s less chance of a next time. It’s not a maudlin thought; it’s reality. It is a reality that should make the times we do still have together all the more precious. Such sacred moments help me reprioritize and reset my stress tolerance back to the green zone. They help me face it: I am an adrenalin junkie. As a beloved sister in Christ pointed out last night, adrenalin kills. At best, while it delivers a rush, the experience is always necessarily superficial. The risk is, if we diet too long on adrenalin, we can get to where we think it’s the best thing. Just like a crack addict, right before the overdose.

I bet the disciples struggled with this, too. Imagine speaking directly to the Living Christ, then being told to wait for the Holy Spirit to empower them! Who could do that? I personally identify more with David. Not that I’m anyone’s light, but I am getting older, certainly less able and less willing to attempt the things I did easily at twenty-five. Several folks have challenged my sanity in taking on so many projects since September. Maybe it is middle-aged crazy, but in any event, it also keeps me feeling vital, and in my prideful baseness, I’m not above admitting I like that quite a lot.

The problem is, it’s not about me. It’s about, or ought to be about, the ongoing relationships with those I love the most. Those folks (mine, included) are counting on me to be there for them for a long time to come. They really do love me (hard as that can be to understand), and want to be able to tangibly love me, hug me, and hear me laugh and fuss until the Lord Himself calls me home. So, this entry is cathartic. It’s revealed an ugly underside to the life of an adrenalin junkie. Anyone who favors the rush of the moment, the feeling of self-importance, to the feeling of another’s arms around them, is not just a victim of adrenalin overload. They are being fundamentally, destructively selfish.

I was not created to be an adrenalin junkie. It’s not who I want to be in my heart of hearts, and it’s not who my loved ones want me to be, either. God calls us to a balanced life, one in which we need not substitute the rush of adrenalin for the filling of the Spirit.